This has been an extraordinary month for me. I’ve wallowed in the grasses of self pity, self preservation, nursing old hurts and rekindling old grudges. It’s funny how these thoughts and feelings pop out of my ordinary life in seemingly unnoticed ways. I really am a shove-it-under the rug kind of person, but that day is done. I am lifted out of the pit by the prayers of friends. They snatched some hurts that were down deep in me, brought them out, we looked at them, how ridiculous they were, then threw them out. I am amazingly free and light compared to a few weeks ago.
What I did not realize, that was most serious and deadening of all, was my own self-inflicted preservation doing damage to my soul. It’s funny what we choose to do in the name of self-preservation. We drink, we smoke, we take pills that make us fly until we will be with Jesus in the sweet by and by. Anything to make us not think or feel. I personally don’t drink, or smoke or take drugs, but, I do line my soul with a thick-ish skin that won’t let any feelings in or out.
We make excuses not be loved, we push people away.
I have found 99% of the population unqualified to love me. I receive only the purest unconditional love from those like my Grandma who aren’t around to give it anymore, or from my husband, who gives and gives and gives, and there I am at the end of every day waiting for him to fill my love bucket, when I should be the one filling his.
And so I sit beneath the fountain of my Father’s love, and wait for him to pour into me. Any who come to the water of his love are free to fill my bucket, no exclusions.
I waited and waited and waited for God.
At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.
Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,
turn your backs on the world’s “sure thing,”
ignore what the world worships;
The world’s a huge stockpile
of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one
comes close to you!
I start talking about you, telling what I know,
and quickly run out of words.
Neither numbers nor words
account for you.
Doing something for you, bringing something to you—
that’s not what you’re after.
Being religious, acting pious—
that’s not what you’re asking for.
You’ve opened my ears
so I can listen.
So I answered, “I’m coming.
I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
And I’m coming to the party
you’re throwing for me.”
That’s when God’s Word entered my life,
became part of my very being.
I’ve preached you to the whole congregation,
I’ve kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn’t keep the news of your ways
a secret, didn’t keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
I didn’t hold back pieces of love and truth
For myself alone. I told it all,
let the congregation know the whole story.
Now God, don’t hold out on me,
don’t hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
I couldn’t see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.
Soften up, God, and intervene;
hurry and get me some help,
So those who are trying to kidnap my soul
will be embarrassed and lose face,
So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable
will be heckled and disgraced,
So those who pray for my ruin
will be booed and jeered without mercy.
But all who are hunting for you—
oh, let them sing and be happy.
Let those who know what you’re all about
tell the world you’re great and not quitting.
And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.
You can do it; you’ve got what it takes—
but God, don’t put it off.