When Christmas Cannot Be Merry and Bright

IMG_0577.JPGI’m in a quandary this Christmas season.  We’ve been through the most difficult transition year of our married lives, our girls have said goodbye to all of their childhood friends, we sat in a room with a dozen friends we raised our babies with and sobbed.  Gut wrenching, heart aching, sobs.  I’ve never cried harder in my life than that evening, saying goodbye to lifelong friends.

In May we made the move from Granger, In. to Shawnee, Ks.  The best, but most difficult family decision we’ve ever made.  I’ve felt like an ocean has been moving under my feet since we landed, trying to get acclimated myself, get my girls acclimated, figuring out how to fix a new bathtub with new problems, how to keep the hot sun from killing my plants, and all that normal stuff.

And then in September, my precious Uncle died.  How do I tell my aunt, who spent years of her life dedicated to him, to Jesus, to their children…translating the bible into unwritten languages, whom she loved…how do I tell her to be merry this christmas?

In November, my cousin died.  He was too young.  Only 5 years older than me.  The thought of losing him does not ring true with “Merry and Bright” or a cup of Christmas cheer.

A mamma lost not one, but three babies, triplets, born too early this week.  They suffered through the trauma of the funeral of the first two, held out hope for the third.  He died.  Now another funeral.

The news…the news.  I cannot even bare to watch it with my children asking questions about atrocities committed against children their own ages.  I cannot even watch the news alone.

But I can walk in the darkness of this Advent hour.  I can walk in peace, with lots and lots of tears, but with peace.  Knowing my Savior was born.  He came to save a fool like me.  He came to abolish slavery, to set the prisoners free.  He came to love.  He came to forgive.  To teach us to love and forgive by what He did for us.  Born humbly.  Walked through His ordinary days like an ordinary guy, but holy.  Perfect.  Full of love.  Never casting the poor or needy aside if they did not match up with His holy critera for those worthy of His time.  He walked slowly.  He touched.  He held.  He healed.  He lifted heads.  He gave new names.  He brought joy.  He brought mystery.  He brought laughter.  He brought light.  He embraced the unembraceable.

He was the light.  And He is.  He is the lifter of our heads, the light in our darkness.  Forever.

Jesus is our hope in a very dark place.


6 thoughts on “When Christmas Cannot Be Merry and Bright

  1. Amy Fisher says:

    So beautifully written my beautiful friend… Peace peace….

  2. Kathleen Stutzman says:

    So often I think of Mary at this time when I get down. Joseph who must have loved her very much trying to encourage her but worried, a baby coming and being the mother of God’s Son. Mary in a town where she knew not one person. She must have been afraid. Then when visitors started showing up and she had nothing to offer them. Humiliation. God’s love must have been greater than her fears. This always helps me when I was in a strange place alone. Feel the love. Feel the hugs from afar. Send hugs to those who are afar because I am sure they can use them.

  3. Maribeth Roncz says:

    I totally get feeling both loss and hope in December. I miss you!!

  4. Kay Speed says:

    So beautifully expressed. Thank you for sharing this.

  5. Marie Riley says:

    Thank you for these beautiful words.

  6. Marcelle says:

    Thank you after loosing my sister over a week ago your words have encouraged me thank you

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